Struggles.

Well, the 'new start' was more of a 'bit of a flop' to be honest, for me anyway. The children are all happy, we started learning about Boudicca, Jamie was interested, and we have great plans to visit places where Boudicca went and check out Iceni villages and museums and old Roman temples, also we were going to go to the snow centre in Hemel, and go swimming.....and then our van broke down :( and that has really put a big downer on me.

Getting out the house is proving to be really hard right now, the weather seems to be always horrible, and nobody wants to go out. Staying in isn't really bothering Alex and Jamie but me and Amelia are getting a bit of cabin fever. Alex really hates going out, it takes him out of his comfort zone and his anxieties start which cause my anxieties to start and its not all that pleasant really....and Jamie has always got some amazing thing she needs to do (like yesterday she found out about a mod for minecraft that you can put an actual screen up in the game and access the internet! in the actual game!!) so going out is one big inconvenience to her......but, I NEED to get out!!

Alex has found some friends to play with online, friends that he doesn't have to verbally communicate with, so he can intereact at a level that he feels comfortable, and he really loves it, but it's really frustrating for me because I have to be relaying messages back and forth as he refuses to type himself! I'm really going to have to stop doing it for him!

At the moment I am finding the constant barrage of voices and requests and everyone talking to me at once and the emotional roller coasters, the fact that I can't seem to follow one action, not even a simple one, completely from start to finish without being called over to see something or hear something or help with something,, I can't even finish a thought, even my mind is hijacked! I try to do things, read a sentence, listen to a conversation, do some housework, anything, but I just get interrupted all the time and I'm feeling like I'm just dangling around being pushed and pulled into whatever direction and I have no say in anything!

But this is all my fault. I'm letting it happen. I'm slipping back into that old groove again, but this time I know whats happening, this time, I can stop it.

I'm writing this post to show that it's not always plain sailing, this home education lark. But I need to remind myself that I didn't go into home education because it was an easy option, I'm doing this for my children, not for me. I'm doing it because my children can be free to be totally themselves, follow their hearts and become who they are supposed to be become. So while my children are off following their passions, I have this time to find peace in my head. I need to find my own life and the answers to my problems while supporting my children. It's really hard being a parent of autistic children, not ever getting a break really takes its toll and I think I got so stressed out over Christmas and then got all geared up to get stuff happening in the new year, that I completely forgot to be kind to myself.

I think I need to get back on the case.....